


i'm worth it (when you kiss me)

by skyish



Category: School Rapper (Korea TV)
Genre: Haon is an angel, I Tried, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Morning Cuddles, Mutual Pining, Negative Thoughts, References to Depression, Self-Hatred, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 01:48:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14415030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyish/pseuds/skyish
Summary: some days are harder than others. but today Haon's there to kiss it better.





	i'm worth it (when you kiss me)

**Author's Note:**

> we need more of them they're going to be the death of me. I'm so soft for these two babies.

 

some days are harder the others. Byungjae knows this. the painful knots in his stomach, the cold sweat at the bottom of his back after an intense nightmare, those are feelings he should be used to. he never does. and the moment he opens his eyes, feel the tears of frustration before they even appear, he doesn’t think he ever will.

  
he feels like shit and he feels even worse by the minute at the thought of being unable to leave his bed. he's nineteen and unable to achieve that one simple task.

  
Byungjae clutches the blanket over his naked torso, face moving to dig into the softness of his pillow. the red scars on the back of hand and down to his wrist stares right back at him and. _oh_.

  
this time he feels the tears because they are heavily rolling down his cheeks.

  
he promised himself he'd never do it again. he'd never lower himself to that. that he was stronger than this, than music was there for him.

  
but some days are harder than others, and on days like this one, when Byungjae can’t even explain why he feels like throwing up, like he constantly one step away from having a panic attack, he’s not so sure he is strong enough.

  
he stares at his hand and is reminded of how pulling his heart out in front of an audience hadn’t been enough to win, how being famous for a few weeks hadn’t been enough to stop the crippling anxiety.  
the scars stare back and tell him he isn’t enough.  
suddenly there’s a weight on his hand, and Byungjae blinks a few time before realising the small fingers wrapping themselves around his own aren’t from his imagination.

  
Haon’s lips brushed against the scars and Byungjae immediately tenses. the sensation mustn’t have been pleasant for the boy but he doesn’t say anything. Haon barely has his eyes open, mumbling something in his sleepy state. Byungjae stays silent. he doesn’t trust his own voice not to betray him. Haon shouldn’t be worried about him.

  
but there he was, the bright boy he'd forever be thankful to have met, the red light to his bar code.  
Haon must have heard the unspoken words, his eyes opening softly. Byungjae gulps, the view of the boy's messy hair and swollen cheeks taking his breath away. but he never told Haon he wanted to write the songs about his bunny smile, about the wrinkles in the corner of his eyes when he laughed. they were friends and friends didn’t do that, did they ?

  
Byungjae wouldn’t really know, he didn’t have much friends.

  
Haon crawled into his space, still holding his damaged hand. Byungjae hoped the rays of sunlight hitting his face would be a plausible excuse for the redness on his cheeks.

  
‘‘go back to sleep’’

  
that morning, husky voice certainly isn’t doing anything to his body. the shivers shaking his spine must be from the sweat, that’s it.

  
but Haon kisses his hand again and even fucking giggles and Byungjae -Byungjae doesn’t understand why he isn’t pulling away, why he isn’t disgusted and telling him to fucking get over it. 

‘‘i can hear you thinking. Go back to sleep, Byungjae.’’ he groans, ‘’we don’t have to get up if you don’t want to.’’

  
if Haon catches him crying he doesn’t mention it.

they end up staying under the blanket most of the day, until getting up to get some food, and even then Haon is the one to bring him some snacks left I his bag. Byungjae only agrees to leave his cocoon to take a quick shower, and only because Haon was so happy when he did.

he feels fresh, dressed in clean oversized shirts, going back to bed as soon as he left it. Haon is there waiting for him, humming a surprisingly soft song.

  
Byungjae lets his head drop on the boy’s shoulder and gosh he loves how Haon's immediate reaction is to grab his hand and rub his nose in his hair. probably something very good friends did, it shouldn’t be a big deal, but his heart can’t help but doing layups.  
his stomach stills hurts. he still fears stepping outside his flat. the sight of his hand, the thought of Haon feeling the rough marks and thinking about him stabbing himself stills scares him to the core.

  
he still holds onto Haon, though. he allows himself to hold onto the boy for as long as Haon lets him, because Byungjae is pathetic like that, holding onto people because he knows he needs it. knows he's dependant on Haon, and that now he’s met him, he can’t think about waking up without Haon’s body heat filling his blanket.

  
some days are harder than others.

  
but if Haon’s there then Byungjae may be able to make it through them.

no. he’s sure of it.


End file.
